The Love/Hate Relationship...

I’ve said it before (see previous post Run for a Reason) and I’ll say it again…I hate running.

I’ve always admired people who seem to run with ease. Cross country runners and long distance runners who appear to run effortlessly fascinate me.

I am just not one of those people.

Fact #1:

I’m not a pretty runner. I don’t have good form and I don’t make it look easy. I don’t set out on a run and lose track of time or distance. I count down the minutes until I am done and then I make ugly faces while I try to catch my breath afterwards.

Fact #2:

Despite Fact #1, five to six times a week I go outside and I run. It’s not enjoyable to run outside in Arizona during the Summer…anyone who says otherwise is sugar coating it for you.

But even I can admit that there are things about running that I have come to love:

People watching:  

There’s no better way to get a feel for your neighbors than to run past them each day of the week at different times of day. You learn quickly who the friendlies are and where the grouches reside. You notice that the lady down the street goes outside at the same time every morning to work on her rose bushes and garden (the prettiest on the block). You realize that the keyboard colored cat that creeps around your house at night and seems to always be on the prowl, spends its days lazily snoozing on the grass under a tree nearby. And there’s nothing more fun than seeing people’s reactions to the girl crazy enough to run in 100+ degree weather.

Weight Loss: 

I’m not sure there’s anything that needs to be explained here. Most people run or workout with this goal in mind…and while it’s not guaranteed it is a lovely side effect if you’re playing your cards right. Side note: I have seen some people write the following statement or even wear this statement “I eat so that I can run”. That’s cute. What’s that like? Let’s be honest: I run so that I can eat….and eat and eat and eat.

Music: 

If you ask my sister, Courtney, she will tell you that running without music is lovely and peaceful. I on the other hand love to use my running time as a time to listen to new music, stupid music…and really any music to distract me from the fact that I’m running. It’s a fun challenge to find just the right song to motivate me or to provide the perfect soundtrack for the day.

Clothes/Shoes: 

I have to include this…have you seen the adorable workout clothes they have out right meow? Fun/cute clothes and shoes are always a win in my book.

And last but certainly not least –

Running for a Cause: 

I love when there is an opportunity to change lives, do good or to be part of something that benefits others. It just so happens that running and fundraising for good causes seem to go hand in hand. What better motivator could I ask for? Up until now I have pretty successfully avoided most races (Pat’s Run being the only recent exception) because the thought of committing to a long distance run with a multitude of sweaty strangers sounds less than appealing. But I have come to realize that I do my best when I have a goal to work towards and I feel my best when it’s a goal that benefits others.

So I bit the bullet and found another race that would force me to continue my running while also doing some good for others: Run 10 Feed 10

FEED Foundation raises funds to feed children around the globe. You have likely seen their merchandise in stores that allows you to purchase items that in turn provide funds to this cause. The Run 10 Feed 10 works like this: On October 4th I will be running a 10k race (alongside my lovely sister). My participation in this race will provide 10 meals for those going hungry in local and surrounding communities. Any additional funds that are the result of my fundraising efforts will go towards feeding our community at an even larger scale. Win-Win.

So as I continue to search for the “love” that so many seem to have found for running…I will find joy in the fact that I can do some good while I’m out there.

If you’re interested in donating to the FEED 10 race I have included a link to my fundraising page below.

https://www.crowdrise.com/elysebaker1/fundraiser/elysebaker 

Still Full of Reason – Still Running for a Reason.

Be Still...

It was one year ago today that I spent the morning in the emergency room miscarrying for the first but not the last time. Not long after that experience I would miscarry again.

I have never written about the miscarriages publicly. It may sound ridiculous but admitting out loud to people that I have miscarried feels utterly embarrassing. Just the word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If you’ve ever wondered if it’s possible to feel embarrassed, ashamed and incredibly disappointing just by speaking one word…it is possible.

I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to share what I had originally written about the miscarriages because I wrote while the experiences were still very fresh and in all reality while they were still happening. It’s all of my darkest writing to date. But it’s been a year, writing is therapeutic for me and it’s time to be honest and no longer feel ashamed to admit what happened.

I won’t bore you with the full pages upon pages of verbal vomit that I had originally put onto paper but I will share a few pieces from each. The first miscarriage occured in June 2013 and the next in January 2014.

Excerpts from June 2013:

…Hours later the doctor and her posse came back into the room. I heard her mumble something to the rookie following her around about “taking this serious” before she walked into the room. Her once positive and bubbly demeanor was gone as were the plastic smiles that anyone had worn before. She proceeded to talk about the many things it could have been… I didn’t care to hear all of that…I just needed her to say it out loud in words that we would understand so that it was confirmed and real. She never really did say it and instead told me to follow up with my doctor. It was actually a nurse that I had not yet met that said what I needed to hear. She came in with my discharge papers and to take my blood pressure before I left. As I sat staring ahead, numb to what she was rattling on about I did happen to hear her ask, “Do you have any questions?”

 I did. I baited her with my question because I needed to hear someone actually say it out loud…to make it real...so that everyone would stop dancing around the truth with “mights” “coulds” and “possiblies”. So I asked her, “What am I supposed to say to my doctor when I call her to follow up?” And that is when she said it, “Well you miscarried so you will need to tell them that…”

I miscarried. I never thought that one word would hurt so much. In fact a few days later I would be researching miscarriage when I saw it:

Miscarriage: Synonym – Failure.

Yep, that pretty accurately describes how I feel. I failed to keep our baby safe, healthy or alive. I failed at the one thing I’ve always wanted and now I just feel broken.

…Ironically, I had originally written my 10 week (what was supposed to be my first visit) doctor’s appointment in my calendar in pencil…I never write anything in pencil but I did with this particular appointment because I was hoping that I would get an earlier appointment to finally see the baby. I erased that appointment (and all of the hopes I had associated with it) from my calendar and wrote my now much earlier appointment in pen. Pen seemed appropriate this time…because there isn’t anything to hope for with this visit…it’s just an empty meeting that won’t change a thing.”

Excerpts from January 2014:

“…It’s been a couple of weeks since that day: blood tests, sonograms and calls with the nurse all confirmed that I would be miscarrying soon. My choice? Wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally or go in for a D&C. I chose to wait – partially because there’s a risk of scarring with the procedure and we’d have to pay a chunk of money for it but mostly because the procedure just lingers in my mind as an abortion…that would stick in my mind always even though this would not be the same scenario.

So here I am…weeks later…finally miscarrying after nearly 10 weeks of pregnancy in a most painful and uncomfortable way. It’s been 5 days…it could take up to 10 they say. Physically…exactly what they said should be happening is…and that’s a blessing I suppose. Emotionally? I’ve never been more broken, jaded, angry, bitter, disappointed, lost, heartbroken, upset, mixed up, disenchanted, negative and ready to give up the dream. For the first time in our marriage, my husband is the positive one, the rock and the one keeping hopes up. For the first time in our marriage, I don’t see the silver lining or the hope that it will happen one day…those places in my head and heart are full of something dark right now. Jaded is probably the best word for it…I’m jaded. I no longer have it in me to find hope in the doctors, friends and family who say “It just wasn’t right this time and it is all for the best….It will happen for you guys…You can’t give up because it will all work out”.

Sure.

My hope? That one of these days I wake up and can find that positive outlook again…that I can put on another brave face and try to start a family again. My fear? That I’ve lost the ability to be positive in the face of this mess…that I’ve lost the drive to try and start a family again because it hurts too much physically and emotionally every time this happens. So I’m writing and I’m praying. Because I don’t know what else to do.

So there you have it. I have always been a glass half full kind of person so these feelings of sadness, anger and bitterness that decided to set up shop in my head were new to me.

I got through it – some days were fine and some days included time spent curled up in a ball on the floor of the room that was supposed to be a nursery. Every day was filled with prayer. There doesn’t seem to be a best way to cope with heartache.

If you happened to stumble onto this post because you are going through a miscarriage or went through one: I’m glad that Google happened to send you my direction. I hope that my words and the small pieces of my story help you in some way. The most comforting words that I read during both experiences came from people who didn’t sugar coat it and who exposed all of their ugly insecurities for the world to read about.

It’s been one hell of a year and here is what I can say with confidence:

I do not feel stronger. But my marriage is – the hurt that was born of these situations brought my husband and I closer together. I thank God for him every day.

I am blessed.

I am jaded.

I am hopeful.

And when all else fails…I am still.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. - Exodus 14:14 - 

Bottle of Tears...

If I’m being honest, I’m not really sure how I stumbled across Bottle of Tears. I am pretty sure that I was goofing around on Instagram one evening looking at what other people were “liking” or who they were following and I just stumbled into it.

The name interested me, the vintage bottles involved are absolutely adorable and once I read about the message that was meant to be shared with these little goodies – I was hooked.

Bottle of Tears is an online shop that was born out of, owner/creator, Lindsey’s own experience with heart ache and struggle. Give her story a read and you’ll understand why she is so passionate about Bottle of Tears. If you don’t have the time to read it now here is what you need to know:

Lindsey took her challenges and life upsets and turned them into an opportunity to help her family and to help others. She could have just given up or she could have gone some other random route to try and make some money. But I admire that she’s chosen to create a business to raise the funds that she needs that also serves to spread goodness to others in the process.

Here’s how it works: You know someone who is going through a hard time, struggling, sick, upset, or lost…whatever the scenario may be…you know someone in your life that you want to reach out to. So you go to Bottle of Tears’ website, look through the beautiful vintage bottles and find the best one for that person, include a personal message for them and you order it up. Lindsey earns money for her family and for her treatments and your loved one gets a surprise in the mail that just may be the pick me up they need that day.

The bottle includes a rolled up print of the following Bible passage:

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

Along with the Psalm you can include your own personal message to the person that you are sending it to. You are quite literally sending someone a message in a bottle (way more exciting than a text or an email right?!). It’s a simple and sweet way to let someone know that they are not alone, that you are thinking of them and that you are praying for them during their struggle.

I have sent one bottle so far. I like to imagine that it sits somewhere in their home and when they stumble across the bottle that they see it as a little token of love…a reminder that they are always in my thoughts and prayers…that they are not alone in this journey.

Have someone you think needs a message in a bottle? Check out the bottles or read Lindsey’s story here: http://www.bottleoftears.com/

I love the idea that somewhere out there someone will open up their mail and find a bottle full of encouragement and love today.

Sharing Stories…and Clothes?

I rarely run into so many interesting companies in one week that I feel compelled to write this often but it’s just one of those rare weeks I suppose. It would seem that the continuing theme this week is going to be all about giving…

I took some time during my lunch break today to glance through Instagram and noticed that I had a new request to be “followed” by P1124. Being naturally curious about who it is before I am inclined to accept, I began exploring their website.

Here’s what you should know:

1) I’m a sucker for a company that promotes positivity, change and especially those that give back to others.

2) I’m also a sucker for cute clothes.

And once you read about P1124 and then take a look at their product line you will see why I was motivated to write about their company.

The concept is simple: You buy a shirt/sweatshirt from P1124 and you write your name on it. Their clothes display all kinds of positive messages from “Share” to “Today is a Good Day” and their designs are clean and simple. You purchase and wear your rad new P1124 clothing item and look for the opportunity to pass it along to someone else who needs it more than you. Maybe you see someone on the streets that is in need of another layer, a friend who could use the pick me up…etc. You give them your sweatshirt, tell them to write their name on it and instruct them to pass it on when they encounter someone who needs it more than they do.

Icing on the cake? Give your sweatshirt away (that you purchased not that you received from someone else), share the story with P1124 and they will replace your sweatshirt/shirt. Hello win win. They do this once for each sweatshirt/shirt you purchase (this is not an unlimited supply of new clothes…though that would be awesome).

During a time when media seems to want to glorify the hoarder (I cringe just thinking about that show) instead of focusing on acts of kindness and generosity; it’s refreshing to see that companies like P1124 encourage people to realize how great giving can feel.  

Take a minute to check out their website http://p1124.com/ and consider supporting a company that’s encouraging a movement of sharing...not only clothing but stories.

The Gift of Giving...

A small gesture… something to let someone know you’re thinking of them. I have been reminded several times throughout the past year how significant a gesture can be. Simple things like a call, a text, an email or a gift from family or friends – they have the ability to make your day that much brighter.

Back in January of this year, I received an email from my mother in law saying that she had been thinking of me and was sending a surprise my way. She ended her email with one of my favorite Bible verses, Hebrews 11:1 “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” A couple of days later I opened the mailbox to find a package from The Giving Keys with my name on it. Inside was a delicate key bracelet with the word ‘Fearless’ etched onto its surface. The receipt noted that she had ordered the bracelet to have the word ‘Faith’ inscribed on it but instead they had accidentally sent a different word. I then realized that the lovely verse that my mother in law had included in the email was about faith because the bracelet she was sending was to represent the same message.  She offered to have it fixed but it occurred to me that ‘Fearless’ is actually a perfect word for me to wear during a season when I have found that I let my fears sneak up and get the best of me far too often. And if you think about it, to have faith is to be fearless…maybe it was packaged wrong for a reason…perhaps it was packaged right all along.

If you haven’t heard of The Giving Keys: They have a sort of pay it forward philosophy. They are an organization that employs those who are trying to transition out of homelessness. These people that they employ are the ones who work on the key engravings for bracelets, necklaces and other products. The keys each have one word on them ranging from courage to love to strength. And there’s even an option to put a custom word on the key if you have something specific in mind. The idea is that you wear the key and the message that it bears until you encounter someone who you think needs that message. You then give it to the next person who wears it until they feel someone else needs it more than they do… and so on.

It’s a pretty rad give-give win-win concept: The Giving Keys gives a homeless person employment, this person gains self-confidence, independence and an income while spending their days putting positive messages on keys, the keys are then sent out all over the country and are purchased by someone who either needs/wants the message for themselves or who knows someone who could use it, the key is worn and serves as a daily reminder of that message, and then one day the key holder encounters someone else who they feel needs that message and they give the key to them…

Having been on the receiving end of a Giving Key I can tell you that it was such a sweet surprise to receive that gift. And it makes it that much sweeter to have received something that represents and supports such a positive movement.

I’m looking forward to the day when I encounter the opportunity to give my key to someone else who may need it…who knows how far it may travel and who it may help along the way.

Read more about The Giving Keys here:

http://www.thegivingkeys.com/

More than words...

We have all been through some trials, some pain or some loss in our lives – big or small. We all deal with them differently and we all work through them in our own ways. My mom passed an article along to me today written by Jason Gray that talks about grief, struggle and the way that we try to deal with each other’s anguish in those sometimes challenging moments when there are really no words to say.

The article talks about how people often feel the need to placate the person who is going through a dark time with “it’ll be okay” or “it’s all for the best” type of responses and feedback. These are not wrong things to say and they come from a place of good intention. That being said I recall a conversation that I had a while ago about this very topic. We were discussing how frustrating it is to be that person in a dark place and how very equally frustrating it must feel to be the people who are trying to understand and support that person.

We discussed how those positive and kind words that so quickly and easily flow from people’s mouths in times of despondency sometimes end up doing more harm than good after a while. If you’re that person who’s been through hell and who feels like no one understands – those words may not lift you up – but instead they may push you further down. In these situations, I think that some people feel the quick and kind words only reinforce how little others understand what they are going through. Sadly, I think that’s how many people slip into their darkness even further. Afraid to bring it up or to let it dwell on the surface because it makes others uncomfortable or upset that they can’t help them get through it faster or help them see the silver lining.

I have always tried to focus my writing on this site about great opportunities to help others through their struggles, to be that reason that someone gets through – and I maintain that intention. But I think it’s important to recognize that there are many ways to help someone through a tough time. I believe that some people absolutely benefit from words of encouragement, positive feedback and good advice coming from others. These people may be encouraged by the optimistic support and the hopeful things that others say to them throughout their struggle.

But I think articles like this also shed light on an important alternative to consider: not everyone is the same and some people may need something entirely different to get them through their dark time. These people may not need you to tell them how to fix the problem, they may not need an “it will all be okay”…maybe these people just need you to sit with them in their sadness or anger for a while – to let them know that they aren’t alone and that you’ll be there regardless.

The article is fairly brief and worth the read: http://www.rabbitroom.com/2014/03/not-right-now/

The song that goes hand in hand with it is merits a listen as well. I’ll link the video below but in case it stops being accessible – the lyrics are there too. 

You could see the smoke from a mile away

And trouble always draws a crowd

They want to tell me that it’ll be okay

But that’s not what I need right now

Not while my house is burning down

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

Tell me if the hope that you know is true

Ever feels like a lie even from a friend

When their words are salt in an open wound

And they just can’t seem to understand

That you haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

Don’t tell me when I’m grieving

That this happened for a reason

Maybe one day we’ll talk about the dreams that had to die

For new ones to come alive

But not right now

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

While I wait for the smoke to clear

You don’t even have to speak

Just sit with me in the ashes here

And together we can pray for peace

To the one acquainted with our grief

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

(Jason Gray - Album: Love Will Have the Final Word) 

Run for a reason...

Let me start with this: I hate running. I will probably never be one of those people who discovers a passion or love of strapping on a pair of sneakers and hitting the road to run for hours.

That being said, I do run from time to time and I have found that I am more motivated to do it when I have a good reason to do it (beyond the obvious good reasons: i.e. health and/or training for a zombie apocalypse).

In April I will be running in Pat’s Run – 4.2 miles and an opportunity to raise funds for the Pat Tillman Foundation. Honestly, before today I had never looked into this foundation. But I did some research and I am a big fan of a foundation that encourages higher education and the people who serve our country. You can learn a bit more about it here http://pattillmanfoundation.org/who-we-are.

If you’re interested in donating to this foundation and my upcoming run – head on over to my fundraising page http://www.crowdrise.com/Elyse2014.  Your donation will support the Tillman Military Scholars who are carrying on Pat's legacy of service to others.

If you can’t donate right now – no worries! Comments/Emails/Notes of encouragement are always welcome too. J

I still hate running…but I love raising funds and awareness for a good cause.

Full of Reason – Running for a Reason.

Love,

Elyse

The Strength of Love...

It’s been awhile since I have written anything on either of my blogs. I found that every time that I sat down to write that only negative thoughts and words hit the page. This past year seemed to be full of new challenges and obstacles. And while it has helped to write down my thoughts about all of them, I am not yet ready to write publicly and candidly about them. I may never find that voice but I am ready to write again.

Here is what you should know: After a recent loss, I lost sight of my positive attitude. I have always prided myself in finding the silver lining and walking away from negative situations having learned some sort of life lesson. I’m not really sure that I have identified any profound silver lining or life lesson yet but I have experienced something worth writing about: the strength of love.

My husband – who has been known to be a bit of a pessimist and worrier between the two of us...has been the optimist and positive one among the two of us lately. There have been some dark days for me – we all have them. On those days I’m not particularly pleasant, I’m less than sweet and sometimes I don’t even want to be around myself. He could let me wallow in it and just avoid dealing with me. Most people would probably agree that he would be completely justified if he wanted to mirror my foul attitude that day and embrace the bad mood as his own.

But instead he’s been carrying me through each of those days. His words and his positivity more than anyone else’s have gotten me through all of it. A negative comment, a snarky remark – he could have sent them right back at me. But he’s chosen to counter my negativity with goodness.  I’ve never needed him as much as I have this past year and it’s as if he knows exactly when I need him the most. Everyone jokes about for better or for worse when people say their wedding vows but I’m realizing each day that it’s the most important part of the promises that we made. My husband has seen me at my worst and my lowest and yet continues to love me even when I have no love for myself.  

When I have felt low or have been in a bad mood I have found that my prayers are filled with requests for strength to get me through those days. And it’s far too easy to grow impatient with God when we think that he isn’t answering our prayers. How foolish I feel now that I realize that God has been providing strength the whole time… to my husband…to carry both of us. I’m so thankful that God has blessed my life with a husband always willing to love a wife whose attitude and words are sometimes unlovely.

The strength of negativity can be overwhelming but the strength of love is endless.

…and all you need is love.