More than words...

We have all been through some trials, some pain or some loss in our lives – big or small. We all deal with them differently and we all work through them in our own ways. My mom passed an article along to me today written by Jason Gray that talks about grief, struggle and the way that we try to deal with each other’s anguish in those sometimes challenging moments when there are really no words to say.

The article talks about how people often feel the need to placate the person who is going through a dark time with “it’ll be okay” or “it’s all for the best” type of responses and feedback. These are not wrong things to say and they come from a place of good intention. That being said I recall a conversation that I had a while ago about this very topic. We were discussing how frustrating it is to be that person in a dark place and how very equally frustrating it must feel to be the people who are trying to understand and support that person.

We discussed how those positive and kind words that so quickly and easily flow from people’s mouths in times of despondency sometimes end up doing more harm than good after a while. If you’re that person who’s been through hell and who feels like no one understands – those words may not lift you up – but instead they may push you further down. In these situations, I think that some people feel the quick and kind words only reinforce how little others understand what they are going through. Sadly, I think that’s how many people slip into their darkness even further. Afraid to bring it up or to let it dwell on the surface because it makes others uncomfortable or upset that they can’t help them get through it faster or help them see the silver lining.

I have always tried to focus my writing on this site about great opportunities to help others through their struggles, to be that reason that someone gets through – and I maintain that intention. But I think it’s important to recognize that there are many ways to help someone through a tough time. I believe that some people absolutely benefit from words of encouragement, positive feedback and good advice coming from others. These people may be encouraged by the optimistic support and the hopeful things that others say to them throughout their struggle.

But I think articles like this also shed light on an important alternative to consider: not everyone is the same and some people may need something entirely different to get them through their dark time. These people may not need you to tell them how to fix the problem, they may not need an “it will all be okay”…maybe these people just need you to sit with them in their sadness or anger for a while – to let them know that they aren’t alone and that you’ll be there regardless.

The article is fairly brief and worth the read: http://www.rabbitroom.com/2014/03/not-right-now/

The song that goes hand in hand with it is merits a listen as well. I’ll link the video below but in case it stops being accessible – the lyrics are there too. 

You could see the smoke from a mile away

And trouble always draws a crowd

They want to tell me that it’ll be okay

But that’s not what I need right now

Not while my house is burning down

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

Tell me if the hope that you know is true

Ever feels like a lie even from a friend

When their words are salt in an open wound

And they just can’t seem to understand

That you haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

Don’t tell me when I’m grieving

That this happened for a reason

Maybe one day we’ll talk about the dreams that had to die

For new ones to come alive

But not right now

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

While I wait for the smoke to clear

You don’t even have to speak

Just sit with me in the ashes here

And together we can pray for peace

To the one acquainted with our grief

I know someday

I know somehow

I’ll be okay

But not right now

(Jason Gray - Album: Love Will Have the Final Word)